Diary Entry on 2013.

Dear Diary,

This year has been normal. Going by the general standard of every year, doing nothing that has saved lives of got more than 10 likes on Facebook. I did manage to get out of the country and back alive, un-scarred and without an accent. I've managed to keep my resolution of last year - not to have any resolutions for this year, so Yay me. Book reading has been pathetic, managing just 10 books to last years 40, but blame it on Congress (that seems to be the in thing these days). On the internet, am doing well. The blog has suffered here, but has done else where. *wink wink*

TV watching has considerably increased, largely for distraction. You remember that Star channel has now added new ones - Star World HD, Star World LOL, Star Sports 1, 2, 3, 4, (n-1) and as a result the new channels are showing re runs of programs that were watched when Michael Jackson was still...umm....Non-white. They also repeat the shows every third day, so I now know 2 and Half men episode 8,9,10 by heart.

I've also taken dearly to "Vodafone presents Big Boss season 7 presented by Dabur Chyawanprash only on Colors" which had its Finale today. The show is hosted by Salman Khan, that dude fellow who did that belt dance and that towel dance not so long ago. (You'd remember by my marvelous imitation of it post which I retired from dancing). I agree this guy has an amazing stage presence, so much so, that the organizers decided to make a stage that was 2 ft wider than his height.

In other news that Aam Aadmi fellow has become the Delhi CM. No, no not Rajnikanth re, Arvind Kejriwal. I have high hopes for him, he has really done very well for himself, hope he does so for the country also huh. Meanwhile these other political parties are shitting their cash laden pants, falling over themselves on what to do. But now we have the option of not voting for any of these parties, much like that "none of the above" option we had in Exams in college. Going by that logic, every time that option came in the exam paper, we knew it had to be the right answer. Pretty true for our country's politics too if you ask me.

And we come to the perennial issue diary, people are getting married left right center. I can no confidently say that the average has tilted in favor of people already hitched. After I wrote that last post on Shaadi.com I think they have put my profile in the recycle bin or something, because am getting all "Wan cute gud boy who lyk me and wil luvz me" type requests. #Facepalm only.

I got a new phone recently. The Nexus 5. I gave away...the iphone. It was getting too difficult you know, to keep holding the same thing. I know I promised to get the iphone 5s when it came out, but seriously I don't think I could pledge all my life savings on that thing. It also did not have a microwave built in so, Meh.

Next year, I am going to do something drastic. But am not sure how that will go. But as you know, planning for anything makes it harder to achieve. So let me leave it at that.

Laters
M

Boracay - The South East Asia Trip Part 5 Finale

Read Part 1 - Malaysia

Read Part 2 - Langkawi
Read Part 3 - Singapore

Read Part 4 - Philippines 

Borocay. The most beautiful piece of earth I have ever seen. Beige Sands, crystal clear water tinted blue and green like the sky, and such a lovely nightlife. It was not once that I contemplated buying a sail boat and settling down here, even if I had to become Madan Kumar MBA, Nariyal Pani Wala.

I can't stop gushing about this place. We stayed at a beautiful cottage right on the beach, come to think of it everything is either on the beach or not in Boracay. You will find all kind of people here, from the mainland as well as lots of tourists.

The Sky and water is JUST SO BLUE

One of the best things you can do is just walk around the pristine sand. They do not allow any food or drink on to the sands, and any one, usually locals will stop you from going on to the beach if they see you carrying something on to the sand. Apart from the view of natural beauty, you have lots of other activities like boating, scuba dyving, snorkeling, bid watching *wink wink* and the likes. The nights light up with all the pubs, bars and shows coming on to entertain. Each and every bar is different, some play live music on the sands, there are fire dances and drum solos, shopping of knick knacks and live food. (Check instagram on @2emkay) Getting a back massage in the sun is something you will never regret ever, especially if there's a cocktail near by and a cool breeze.

But enough about that boring stuff. Lets get right to the exciting part.

Fire show at the beach 

We decided to go snorkeling because we didn't have enough time for a full course of Scuba. Also my "Friend" almost lied his way to a dive, till the moment the instructor told us about impending death if we don't wait for a full 18 hours before catching a flight. (Nitrogen gets into your veins and it explodes and shit). So we merry 4 caught up with a friends, friends group to snorkel around the seas. 

It was beautiful, and as we dived into the water, I must say it was like swimming in a 360 degree aquarium. The oarsman basically throws bread crumbs and you see all these colorful little fish swim right up to your nose and its just mesmerizing. We then moved to an island for some rests and general buffoonery, before we headed back.

Now it was quite dark by the time we could see the shore lights, which was still a good 500 meters away when the boat suddenly stopped. Apparently, the tide was too low for the boat to go any further. We just ignored the guy like we ignore traffic signals in India. After 5 min of silence, it suddenly sunk in.

WE HAD TO WALK BACK TO THE FREAKING SHORE.

I watch discovery channel a lot, and my memory at these occasions quickly recalls venomous snakes, paralyzing Jellyfish, puffed up fish, etc. Not to mention pit holes, currents and clothing more appropriate for a bath, rather than adventure sports of this kind.

Slowly one by one, we got into the water, waist high. Putting all our gadgetry into plastic bags held high across our heads, and holding hands as we moved in single formation s-l-o-w-l-y across dark, murky waters. As we did so, we took a solemn vow to not take photographs, lest some evil sea creature attack us.

(Also wanted to avoid the utter embarrassment of 12, 29 somethings walking holding hands for dear life)

We tumbled, yelled, screamed (You'd be surprised at the squeals of some of these "stud" type guys have. PS - ladies, do a voice test before you get hitched) I got pricked twice by something on the super fine sea bed, because being taller meant being leaned on for support. 

FINALLY, we made it to the beach. Alive. In the process, we had a few injured people, 3 lost slippers (BC was losing the second pair in 2 days) and hurt pride. 

The Shooter menu for the 15 rounds

But this was not the end. Later in the evening we went to this place called Cocomangas, Shooter bar. For every round of 15 shots that you have, your country gets a point on the huge Score board. We had three rounds, and I don't remember a lot of the rest of the night.

Ok I Do, but am not telling you. *Insert sly smile*

Just note that we added 3 points to team India, holding up the pride of our Nation, as compared to certain people in the USA doing all hira kiri with maids and stuff. 

They Played Hindi numbers, we did the world famous in India train dance sequence and manged to hop out to another bar where some English douche was playing weird music. The rest of the night, without much detail as below.

- Fight breaks out

- Music stops, Spot light on fighters

- Fighters turn out to be 2 from our extended group (WTF?!!!)

- The opposition is a foreigner (Imagine Andre the giant)

- There are bouncers now

- Guys fall over a table

- Random female almost clobbers a guy with a bottle for spilling her drink from aforementioned table

- I don't think the guy knows

- Wait, someone punched the bouncer

- SHIT THERE ARE COPS NOW, HIDE. 

- People are being arrested and cuffed, I hear references to Sisters / Mothers in Hindi

- WTF is number 2 doing joking with the Foreigners friends?!!

- Sanity check - where are all core members. 1, 2 ,3....wait wheres 4?!!

- Panic for number 4. Number 3 confirms number 4 is with him

- All Clear

- Music is back on. Everyone's dancing.

- UPA is still in power in Delhi What the hell just happened?!!

I manage to reach home with number 2. What he said, in 7.1 Dolby Digital sound to the population of Boracay, Americans, Indians, Dogs, Random Rickshaw puller, Motorbike rider, Bar staff and the Universe is now between his conscience and them. I cannot say anymore. Time 4.30 am. I had been awake, dancing, a little tipsy (You have to believe me here, I was strangely sober) for about 28 hours now. My Camera was the only thing in my hand functioning normally. (Except for the dead battery)

The next day I fell sick. We were back in India in 3 days.

And that my friends, was the conclusion of our epic trip. From getting stranded at the airport to walking crazy distances, barging our way through to an airplane seat 9 hours after departure time, Racist slurs at a Casino to being held at Immigration, to the epic events in Boracay.

It was LEGEN *Wait for it* DARY!!!!

I also learned that no time is as good a time as now. You know those friends you have? Hold them close. It's hard to start from scratch, and a little here and there is fine in the long run. 

And remember kids, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!!!! 

Cheers

M

Philippines - The South East Asia Trip Part 4

Read Part 1 - Malaysia

Read Part 2 - Langkawi
Read Part 3 - Singapore


The last part of Trip consisted of landing in Philippines and moving around to different islands, catching the awesome night life and enjoying cheap luxuries.Philippines is seriously quite cheap. But as usual when things can go wrong, they will always go wrong exponentially.

So let me admit my mistake, starting off with basic Geography 101.

Next, Philippines is always at the center point of typhoons, so it would be wise to not go there in the monsoons, unless you really hate yourself or are taking your Ex there on a one way ticket. (Presuming you are coming back) We went there because we probably hated each other.

Anyways, we too were unfortunate enough to catch the rains, and a large part of our trip got busted, including a trip to Coron islands (which got substituted by a one night day complimentary stay at the 0 starr airport) and a dormant Volcano. (Sigh, I know) We missed a freaking Volcano. (Point to note, I and BC were the only two standing on two feet at the point of departure to this venue)

Anyway, the most exciting part of this whole trip is when we were detained at immigration.

----

*Dark Room with lighting only on partial face. Unknown identity asks a a question.*

"I Thought it was easy money. All we had to do was carry a suitcase of drugs across the border, and we would be millionaires. They promised it would all be good. It was supposed to all taken care of. But when they get you, you're all alone"

Locked Up Abroad on National Geographic Channel

---

My mind, dear friends, is a virtual time bomb of thoughts. At any given point of time, I am riding on a sleigh fighting dementors, or could be romancing a noble lady on a stage in Paris. So when I came to know that the airport we were landing at, was a well known hub for all these kind of TV shows, well, all these episodes and dialogues come rushing...

The airport we were landing at, NAIA is rated the worst airport in the world (FYI, Kolkata, Chennai, Mumbai are in the Top 10 worst airports as well). It is also one of the most busiest airports in Asia. T3, the latest terminal is meant only for international flights, so if you land at another terminal from an international flight. Well, God Bless you.

Anyways, we landed at the right airport and were aiming to get Visa on Arrival as we had Singapore Visa's. Let me reiterate, that this is a known hub for drug smuggling and shit, so the officials are always looking for shady characters. And when it comes to shady, no one can beat my 2, eager to please, never traveled abroad alone, half groggy unshaven spectacle wearing Indian friends.

All we had to do was walk to the counter, show them the passport and visa, and the air ticket, and move.

But NO. My dear friends HAD to do some "Khujli". They HAVE to ask the most sternest looking cop some imbecile like questions.

"Sir we don't have Visa" will probably go down as the worst thing ever said to a customs official by a tourist in a foreign airport known for smuggling.

We submitted all our documents to three cops, before a senior cop with 3 stars on her uniform (and looked very much like Farida Jalal ) took us to an inside room. We sat down on comy Sofa's while they kept asking us questions.

Cop 1 to me - What's your name?
Me - Madan

Cop 1 to me - Where are you from?
Me - Bangalore

Cop 2 to BC - Who is he? *points to me*
BC - Madan

Cop 3 to Cop 2 : Sounds like *snicker snicker ha ha gibberish gibberish*
Cop 2 to me : How do you know him? *point to BC*
Me - We are friends

Cop 2 to Me : Who are you?
Me - Madan

All the Cops - "Hmm..."

After 5 minutes

Cop 3 to me - Who are you?
Me - Sigh. Madan

Eventually, after all possible combinations and permutations of who asked whom were done, the grilling was over. I got off because I had a huge Multinational backing my employment, while the other two jokers were employed by a company who had a billboard right in front of the cops, and the cops had never heard of the company. #Facepalm

Finally, we come to know that our return tickets have been cancelled, because the government cancelled the license of the Airlines 2 days ago. #PANIC. Our host meanwhile was pretty sure we were arrested or something because we were 3 hours late, and was all set to call emergency services.

After another good hour more we were let go. And this is picture best explains relief that we felt at that point of time.

Manila is very much like a Mumbai. The only difference is that people here look different and eat different. The Americans have basically changed the whole country during the wars and occupations into a "entertainment" destination for their soldiers based there, so you will see a lot of American influence in the culture. The girls want to marry Americans, the guys want to go to America accept that America doesn't see this place as anything more than a speck.

Its like the famous historian and inter racial cultural expert Russel Peters once said "BESHT Bro, IT IS BESHT. AMERICAN BRO, BESHT"

This has already gone for too long, So I will write one more post on Borocay (Where we swam across the OCEAN in the dead of NIGHT to reach shore) before I conclude the series. Am also planning to put together a Pinterest board of all the stops we made, that might be of interest to you guys.

So here's to then, Merry Christmas.


M

Singapore - The South East Asia Trip part 3

(At this point there can be no excuse for not writing this part of the trip, a good three months after it happened. So I'll ignore verbal abuses and move on like nothing ever happened, or as it's happening in Delhi these days - send you an SMS for your opinion later)

Read Part 1 - Malaysia

Read Part 2 - Langkawi 

Now the third leg of our journey was to the magical city of Singapore. Magical because for some reason, I had made the connection that Mickey Mouse was born here. I know, its ridiculous. We all know that a mouse that big can only be born in Chennai.

We had the good fortune of having a few juniors of BC (yes its a name) in Singapore, which made us more comfortable. Except for the part where my learned friend couldn't figure out how to use a pay phone, a credit card, a travel card, an English speaking Human being and a phone number, to reach his junior waiting outside the airport. Changi Airport is like UB city mall (Bangalore) multiplied by Phoenix mall (Mumbai) with a few airplanes thrown in for free. It is freaking Amazing. I mean I could have roamed the airport for a few days and still returned happy.

You remember the Manforce condom ads? The bill boards and vinyls of the perfumes & Cosmetics here will put Sunny Leone to shame. But in a nice way.

We were hungry so we decided to grab some food at Burger king (Hoooray!!!) since we were hungry, and that is when we realized Singapore is expensive. No kidding. 4 of us and the bill was 42 SGD, which is like 5000 bucks. 

In Singapore, you will be surprised to see that Tamil is the second language after English. I have no idea they pulled this off, and am pretty sure the Malayalis are pissed. So now you know why Rajnikanth's third largest Fan base after the Aliens, and Tamil Nadu is in Singapore. 

And here's a good warning. Am not sure, but I think its compulsory for women to wear shorts, and that too no longer than 6 inches, so guys please. No Staring. You have the Google Incognito mode for that. But on a serious note, they do dress very very well both professionally / casually so its a kind of a learning in trends. If you are into that kind of stuff. 

We stayed at Little India, which is basically a small section of Singapore where most of the "Asians" live. The Taxi guys hate it, the citizens hate it, almost everyone hates it. Am not being over sensitive. In a city which has banned chewing gum to keep the city clean, I saw Indian people peeing on the roads, at which point I promptly started conversing in French. #TrueStory

Me an Po Sharing a laugh at these other
mortal humans at Universal

Anywhoos, we got a decent hotel in this place, and trust me if you are on a budget, this is the only area where you can manage to be on a budget. On the itinerary was Universal Studios, The Singapore flyer, Marina Bay Sands hotel & Casino, Sentosa Islands and this cool underwater sea place (which we got confused with in Sentosa and missed) All travel is via metro, which is extremely convenient.

Am not going to write much about Sentosa Islands, its basically a large park which houses different sections, one of which is the Universal Studios. Universal Studios was my first time to a theme park, with rides and stuff. I was very apprehensive about it. As a kid the only ride I went on was the merry-go-round, and that too holding on to the pole for dear life. 

You keep fish in between your fingers, and she
swoops up your arm and sucks it off. Amazing

But man, these rides were totally awesome!!! The Merchandise even better!!! Highly recommended rides - the Mummy and Transformers. And here's the trick. If you go as a group, you need to wait in a huge line. But if you go in the single line you can go all the way to the front and they will accommodate you in any seat / trailer. Debi went 10 times to the Mummy ride, and by the 11th time they offered him a job and a hat. He declined because the Transformer guys offered him food instead. 

I however was more enamored by the park itself and the detailing. And the merchandise. It isn't worth the price, but please buy it if you love it. And another trick - carry Master card. They have awesome offers on Master card. Not so much on Visa.

We were back by the End of Day and were exhausted. The next day we went to another part of Sentosa, which was the water world. My highlight of the Singapore trip was this - I fed and touched a 8 foot Stingray!!! I love animals. And I also hate humans who can't take a decent photograph (all the numb skulls who traveled with me) 

The View from the Singapore Flyer - Marina Bay Sands Hotel
and the Bay area

Apart from that, we caught the Singapore Flyer, one of the largest in the world. The view from the top is amazing, and I highly recommend that you go at night to catch the lights. 

We also took a long walk around the beautiful Marina Bay, caught the lovely laser show that is done from the top of the hotel on to the water fountains below (check my You Tube channel for the video) and met Mommy and junior Merlion. (Papa Merlion for some reason is at Sentosa) There's also this huge Uber rich looking mall with all the brands that you can think off, including Ferrari cars and Ducati. The restaurants lining the bay look so good and luxurious, that I felt quite intimidated by the mere thought of trying one of them. (Remember Burger king story?)

With Jr. and Mummy (Back)
 Merlion

I have now forgotten all the fantastic comic opportunities and stories, but I must tell you this. We were at Singapore for 2 nights, and we made the absolute Maximum of the time. It was by far the most expensive part of the whole trip, so I suggest you plan appropriately. 

I've promised myself that I will finish the series this year. 2 more posts to go!!!

M

Lounging in Langkawi - The South East Asia Trip Part 2

Read the first part here

Langkawi to me was always the place people go on their honey moon, rekindle the love, girl gang hang outs etc type places. So naturally I'd think it would be very beautiful, very silent and very private. With top class resorts and honestly, expensive.

On the contrary, Langkawi is one of the most coolest places anyone can go to. And if you want to just put your feet up and chill, this is the place. If you want to have some fun and adventure, this is the place. And if you want to go on a crazy night of fun, this is still the place.

So we landed in Langkawi coming from KL, the first morning flight. As you land in the airport you have a host of options for travel and stay. But tucked away in the corner is a car rental service. Trust me, this is what you have to take. The best car we could get was a Mitsubishi SUV, Automatic. At 350 RM (Around 7000 bucks) for three days this was a steal. And the car was absolutely top class. Drowsy and being the only sane one in the team, I was initially acting like a Marwadi business man.

"Lets just get something that moves, why do you need to spend so much?!!"

Of course, you must also note that my friends are maniacs. DB and BC, the guys who I am not going to name, will probably rent an airplane if they were asked to by a guy who called them "Sir". Typical Politeness depraved souls that they were.

But sense prevailed, and we settled the matter like adults - whoever had the loudest voice won.

For the first 20 kilometers, my sophisticated friends (with driving license and experience) had no idea how to use the gears. As a result we traveled on first gear, while cars, cycles and cows waved at us as they overtook our sorry arses. It finally took a man of sound logic, a guy who obviously was meant for great things, to tell them how to use the gear.

"Hey this + button looks interesting" *Insert great thunderous applause here*

Our Rooms were awesome. We stayed at "Tropical Resorts" which is basically a set of cottages, about 15 meters from the beach. At the time of booking, we didn't know this part. But then it was really cool and very convenient. Because by default, we were staying at the most happening locale in Langkawi (Of course we came to know about this only towards the end of the trip)

In Langkawi, we did the following

1. Took lots of fun drives.

Attitude issues

2. Went to the Underwater world, a really cool aquarium and bird park. It also has a macaw that has an
attitude problem that someone should look into. They also have a python that will not eat you as you try to act all brave and pose with it. Also don't forget to meet the seal that swims in perfect loops for eternity. seriously, the guy just doesn't stop.

3. Took more fun drives

I love these birds

4. Went island hopping - We were taken to the first island, which has this amazing lake in the center of it called the lake of pregnant maidens (Top on the Planning-A-Family-Must-Go-To-Locations) *wink wink*. This place is just amazing, because its so beautiful, so peaceful and also because you can swim in this huge lake. The next spot they take you to is a an area where there are lot of eagles. It's basically eagle feeding and they are just so beautifully majestic. I must have clicked a 100 photos in burst mode. Only to get maybe 2 photos of the eagles tail feathers. Bah. The third island is a beautiful, white sand beach where you can swim and do the normal stuff. (In this case pose for selfies of aforementioned people I shall not name)

Laksa

 5. Took 4 circles of  a location called Kuah (Irony, sounds like a "well" in Hindi) because my driver and co-driver are extremely talented in going around in circles. We also tried the staple dish of the place called Laksa, which is basically sour fish soup with noodles and chicken and egg and some other stuff. (Of course I just came to know what it was thanks to Wikipedia. On the day we put up brave faces and mumbled appreciation as we gobbled the incredibly awkward smelling and tasting dish, grudgingly, down)

6. We went to the Marina to take lots of pictures of us with the very beautiful Langkawi + Eagle Statue. And also the other stuff around.

I wasn't scared at all. Honest.

7. Went to the Langkawi Cable Car. Which is also the location of the Langkawi Sky Bridge. Unfortunately the bridge was closed. The Cable car basically takes you to a middle station (600+ meters) and from where you will change cars to ascend a further 100 mts to the top station where you have 2 viewing stations. From this point, you can touch the clouds and have the most magnificent 360 degree view. Its also a great place to push off 2 friends who will engage in, yes, you guessed it - MORE SELF STYLED PHOTOGRAPHS.

7. Shopping and Food. We couldn't really do a lot because we were dead tired, but we did manage to get Souvenirs and stuff, while also visiting the local streets and shops. We were also lucky to view some neat Modified cars revving it up at the mall. Check the pics.

Finally, we reached our hotel and were chilling out when we remembered that we had to clear our hotel bill and leave by 5 in the morning. It was already 1 am, and the resort reception did not open till 10 am. Being the most sensible one, I came with an ingenious plan. As in the image below.

The Ingenious plan revolved around slipping this envelope with the money under the door of the reception, and hoping that the right person would get it. Also praying that we were not caught at the airport for attempted cheating. We mumbled around the reception, and tried a few knocks, and were about to make a run for it when, Tadaaaaah!!! the owner of the place comes out. A few Sob stories later (apparently my relatives were sick, BC's flight got cancelled, and DB did not know we had an emergency) we were out and cruising to the airport, readying ourselves for the next part of our trip.

In Singapore, we meet "THE MUMMY",  witness a mad bar argument on the streets, meet the Merlions, before one of us has a very very Bad night at the casino.

Malaysia Ahoy!!! - The South East Asia Trip Part 1

This year I was able to keep up a promise to myself to travel ever year to some place new and different. As much as I tried to present an international image by checking into foreign locales on Free WiFi, there's so much that happened, so many experiences, that I feel the need to document it. In case someone wants to make a movie on me or something. (Hey you never know)

Theres a lot of stuff, but I'll try to keep it as interesting and amusing as possible, which basically means I'll talk all about the shit the other three do. (Imma Good Boy)

Mandatory self Identification photo before trip

As a disclaimer, and to protect the identity of Debi, Bc and Vc I will refrain from naming the guys who came with me on this trip of *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* and all the food, sightseeing and entertainment.

I will also for the first time be able to put up videos of the trip, and that will be through my YouTube Channel which I will name shortly.

We started our trip from Bangalore where we flew to Kuala Lumpur, and then from there to Langkawi. This was followed by a 3 day jump to Singapore, and then to the Philippines where we went to Manila and Borocay.  Coron islands was also on the list, but typhoons made sure that our trip was cancelled. 

Through our the trip we've had miserable situations and brilliant come backs, and you won't believe me if I said we got detained in Immigration, walked in the middle of the ocean, got into Bar fights and more. And still got back safely, except for a little fever I caught due to exhaustion. 

So on departure from Bangalore, one of us was a first time traveler to foreign lands. This is the same guy who was considered as a beacon of good luck for anyone who wanted to travel abroad. Every person who has stayed with him (including me) has been posted "on site" (Software Engineering terms for getting posted in USA with normal Dollar salary but when it is converted to rupee I become rich and can buy a flat in Bangalore) or traveled abroad. 

He was as excited as a smoked up monkey in a room full of ripe bananas, and as soon as we boarded the plane I heard stuff like "Oh my God, look!!! More Humans" and "We are going out of the country!!! Do they know yet?" and of course "Shit, I've arrived in life". Of Course Debi, the veteran Package tour travel specialist was busy snoring so loud that the pilot had to check if everything was alright with the engines. And I was busy making up these jokes for the blog, so you know who's left right? 

It was a difficult flight majorly be cause the seats were uncomfortable. That's what happens when you put a XXL ass into a Economy seat. But enough about those guys. We slept and awoke and slept and awoke before I finally got some shut eye. 

I was rudely awoken to "OH MY GOD, Kuala Lumpur has lights!!!" and "Look at the runway, its better than our roads in Sarjapur" etc. just as we touched down in the LCC Terminal in Kuala Lumpur.

There are two things you should know about the KL Airport. For all you "Foreign country is amajing" this airport requires you to walk all the way to the terminal from the airplane. There are no Air conditioned buses awaiting to ferry your merry ass to the terminal. Also there must be some 160 odd spots for planes to land, so that basically meant I could watch HIMMATWALA and recover by the time I reached the Terminal.

Just a few of the Air Asia Jetliners

The other thing about LCC KL airport, is that its isn't an airport. Its actually the Air Asia Exhibition center. For miles and miles across all you will see, are Air Asia Planes. Trust me, every thing that flies there has an Air Asia tag. And pretty sure half the country works for them. Not that am complaining with all the air hostesses around. 

Anyways, once we were in we decided to hit the streets and visit the Petronas towers. You know, those twin towers that were once the tallest towers before Burj Al Arab came into being and Al-Halal-ed every other building on Planet Earth. Now the tricky part was we had 5 hours in which to reach this place and come back. 

So we took a convenient Bus (Air conditioned and with recliner seats) for the one hour journey to KL Central. From there we took a taxi (around 15 minutes) to the Petronas towers. It was closed, but we did get into the compound. 

The twins were just beautiful. You don't really get a sense of the size and how magnificent and powerful these structures really are, until you get your nose right up to it and look up. Just, Freaking Amazing. 

I was so caught up that I just didn't really make the max of my camera. Also, there were these huge flood lights right bang at eye level, so no matter how I tried I just kept getting this huge glare at the bottom of my screen. 

But trust me, It definitely looks far better at night than in the morning. The splendor of a fully lit Petronas must be something really worth taking in. Unfortunately for us, it wasn't one of those days.

Its moments like these that I want to abandon people

After a few...err...okay a lot of  "Me with Petronas, Me with Malaysia sign board" etc type photos, we decided to head back. On the way we made a quick detour to visit the National Mosque of Malaysia. It was beautiful but we didn't get any decent picture that would be worthy of its grandeur.

Also we were worried of missing our next flight to Langkawi.

Once back at the airport, we had to get used to the different ways the airport operates. Here you need to check in on the machines, and then go to the counters to drop off luggage, and then wait in the expansive lounge before walking across miles and miles to reach the airplane.

One thing which caught us off guard was the women cops at the security check. And they do check men as well. And they yell. LOUDLY. So we didn't know that "Belts" were also to be taken off before running under the scanner. So I had this lady cop YELL at me to take off my belt and come back. It wasn't a very "Shades of Grey" type scenario that I'd have fond memories of either. Lets just leave it at that.

In the next post, expect more of how we took Langkawi by storm, had Laksa, and almost ran away in the middle of the morning from our Hotel.

Cheers 

M

I woke up today

Today

I woke up today in what felt like...well I don't even know what it feels like. They say I've been gone for 15 years. Lost, Sleeping, in a void, call it what you may, but I opened my eyes to a different world. Strange, distant and empty.

I saw my fiance, I think her name was Grace when I vanished, smile and tell me how great it is to have me back. I could see she'd brought some kids with her to see me and they were running around the white tiled floor, making squeaking noises as they tumbled along. Must be around 8 or 9 years, but kids keep growing faster every generation, so I wouldn't be sure. They look at lot like her and someone else, and nothing like me. Perhaps they are her children, am too scared to ask.

I can hear the monitors go beep beep, every third second, reminding me of my position at the moment. The Nurse showed me a list of people who visited me over the time, but I think I hardly remember or recognize the thinning line of people in the recent times. The last name looks like mom though. I wonder how she is, where she is. I hope she is.

I don't see any flowers or balloons that you'd expect visitors to leave when someone came back. That's what they used to show us in the movies. I wonder if they show the same stories in movies these days. Or if they even have movies these days. I wish I could see a movie right now, would be nice. They have this giant screen in the room across mine, but my doctor said they had removed all the stuff from my room because it wasn't being paid for and it wouldn't matter since I wasn't awake anyway. I don't know what he means by not awake, but I dare not ask questions, the answers to which might lead to painful memories.

The room doesn't have windows any more, my nurse keeps telling me new things every day. She says the atmosphere is too harsh to have windows anymore, and people have to walk around in suits and masks, or specially made vehicles that allow these things. It's dangerous, she says, to my poor health. I look at my skin which is almost a dull blue now. I wonder how old I am. I wonder how I look. Do I still have a job? What happened to my Dog? Do my best friends miss me? Did someone try to kill me? Is my Facebook account still active? Is the sky still blue? Are tigers extinct? Do people still go to church on Sundays?

I have so many questions. My mind just won't stop. But no one's come to see me yet. I think they don't know yet, at least I'd like to think so. Maybe am in a very far off place that makes it difficult for people to come visit. Or perhaps I did something bad that got me here and people hate me. I can't remember much from the past. But I do have some pictures run through my head now and then, of times that were good and fun. I just watch them float by in my head like white fluffy clouds on a bright summer day.

They've got all sorts of things attached to my head. I fall asleep often, I can't stay up for more than an hour, it feels like an hour almost, now. The only thing am sure of is what the code on my wrist.

It says #23437M Dec 17th, 2029.

Do you have a choice?

Ever since I gathered my thoughts, I've been a supporter of choice, of having that option in every sphere of life. But only recently has that brought on a new meaning.

We all hate taking tough decisions, which of course is a choice you make. I myself have begun to see that am going to have make a few choices that would effect a lot of my future soon, and I realise that it isn't actually in the future as much as it is right now, the only thing pushing the choice into the future being - me.  And this procrastination has made me very unhappy.

By choosing one thing, you actually un choose a whole lot of other options, ones you perhaps didn't even know existed. Choices you didn't even worry about because you never knew they were there. Which is profound in a way.

     

Then again if you choose not to make a choice, you just stay there, stagnate and die. So making a choice is not just about right and wrong, it's actually about survival.

If you need to survive, you HAVE to make a choice. There is no way you can choose not to. In fact everything you do is a choice. To think otherwise would be foolish.

You can never measure the outcome of the choices you left, at best making guesstimates of how it might have been. But then again even the choice you make in your favour rarely turns out like we expect them, do they?

I remember a debate sometime back where people said do innocents who die in a terrorist attack choose to be there? Well they chose to be in that spot, and the terrorist attack was something they didn't know about. And isn't that a lot like most of our situations, where the future cannot be predicted with certainty? Of course perhaps not so extreme a circumstance, but unknown nonetheless?

Again am not talking about bad or good choices. Like if you choose to jump off a cliff, there is a high risk that you will die. That's like pretty sure thing. It's a bad choice if your trying to fly, a good choice if you want to die a painful death. But that's not what am writing about. Am trying to focus more on the other daily life, work life, relationship life choices we make.

I guess in totality, we spend more time analysing things we choose but the energy is hardly equal to the results we actually get. Hence speed is of essence, make that choice, make that decision and move.

That being said, the question arises - why should we think about choosing at all? What's the point? Well the point would be that if you didn't think about it at all, your technically putting your survival at the hands of luck, a decision which your rational brain will not allow you to make. A human brain is designed to survive, not to think. And as being rational, it will force you, at some level to somehow  make that choice which had even the slightest advantage of survival than not.

Choices are also blurred by emotions, which perhaps is a close second to rationale in the brain. Make no mistake that to your brain, survival is always primary.

So how do you make the right choice? The perfect solution?

The answer is you can't. You may think it is, perhaps it even might be, but you'll never know.

And therefore coming to my philosophy - at any given time and situation, you have already made the best choice you could have, and there's nothing you can do about that particular choice once its in the past.

Cheers
M

The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"

It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.

Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?

I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!

Maybe...

"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.

Cheers
M



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All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences. 

Man who hates steel - Movie review

Am coming out fresh from a viewing of the most awaited, hyped Christopher Nolan's "Man of Steel" with a new superman, a new theme and a new, well not so original but nonetheless different title.

Fan boys of Nolan can stop reading now. I know how you are going to feel, because as an Apple Fan Boy I know how it feels when people make these critical remarks on Apple. Of course I just laugh it off and come home and stick needles in my voodoo dolls (I have quite a collection). But then that's me.

And to make things clear, I like Nolan movies.

So ready or not here it comes. (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I rated the movie 5 star out of 10 on IMDB. Basically because it doesn't give me an option to have negative ratings, and I haven't rated movie lower than 6 yet. Also before I explain my views, let me give you an idea of how I watch movies.

Hollywood Action - Popcorn and Coke
Hollywood Comedy - No Popcorn and Coke, owing to expected laughter and hence spillage
Hollywood Romance - Expect Skin Show
Bollywood Action - Expect Cars blowing up
Bollywood Romance - Hope no one shows skin
Bollywood Comedy - Leave brains at home
Jackie Bhagnani  Movie - Stay at home

Man of Steel for the first 25 minutes is interesting. It's a nice plot and intriguing. Then it goes all haywire to some damned planet trying to save itself, and Star Trek like stuff and then there's an evil villain who looks like a square Stone Cold Steven Austin, swearing revenge like some South Indian villain. At this point, I am still interested.

Cut to super hero child hood, miracle miracle, self doubt and life and blah blah. The problem with this part, and I'd expect it to be the most strongest character part is that its in too little bits and pieces and is just irritating. Lame dialogues add to the misery. At this point am looking for food.

I am Man of Steel. I thrash Buildings.

Lois Lane plays a nice cameo as a Tough-Smart-Ass-Media-Bitch-Sunny Leone type thing before turning into a good girl with a hint of warm Apple pie. Melts at the mere mention of Superman's sad confused life story. Stupid. At this point am checking out the crowd.

Add a generous helping of flying objects, 70% of crashing buildings and more buildings falling, burning buildings, buildings making out with other buildings etc. In this chaos, villains henchmen (in G I Joe costume, no less) fight Superman in the streets of the city. All the while, yes you guessed it, more thrashing buildings, cars, shops, trucks etc with no concern or thought to people IN THOSE BUILDINGS. We know they are sets, but at least act like they're not. I think it should have been named "Man who hates Steel Buildings". At this point am suicidal.

The only difference is that the Army, FBI, CIA, IA, Special Ops, Navy Seals, Marines, SWAT, etc are NOT shown as the only answer to world problems. In fact, they are almost friendly and defer to Superman. (WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with these people?!!!)

Enter villain. And Giant Flying object with pathetic name. Add more crashing buildings, yada yada yada, fight fight, superman does some self belief course, beats the bad machine, and finally a long one on one with the villain, who he kills by twisting the neck in the last minutes. (Note: Superman almost destroyed the city fighting villain henchmen by bashing them with other stuff)

Finally, Superman gets a job at the media agency that Lois Lane works in. Clark Kent. Tadaaaah!!!

Phew.

But its a great movie if you are in the architecture business or like watching buildings blowing up and all that. Also, the Sunny Leone comment above was a joke. Don't go to watch the movie expecting that. Ain't happening.

There's this hilarious part of Superman's Costume as well, but whatever.

Of course Henry Cavill makes a better superman. But that's about it. Give me Wolverine and Dark Knight any day.

Please go watch the movie. Am sure some part of you will still want to watch it. Let me know how it went in the comments below.

Cheers
M

People and Mannequins

It's been a long time, this time around. Apart from my vast life changing experiences with a large number of random auto rickshaw drivers, and of late, marathi-spewing-change-demanding bus conductors, I don't see anything that has drastically made a dent in my parallel conscious. Until Now.

Part of my job includes meeting different people to understand why they do what they do (vague enough to avoid complications) any way, sometimes conversations get a tad too personal and you can't just walk out of there. You just nod and listen and mumble something, or your stomach does it for you. But Not me.

I have this weird "keeda" of putting my nose in other peoples problems and issues. It's like this non retractable poking mechanism, that once poked doesn't come out unharmed. So you start telling me your sob stories, and I'll make you wanna say more. I'll just listen and listen and listen, and your every being will want to say more till your all dried out. Let's just say I am blessed with those special facial features, like Oprah's eyebrows.

Did I mention butterflies? Yes, my attention span that is. So sometimes midst all these chaotic things, I zone out in to a different world. A world of what if's and why's. What if I had not left Bahrain? What if I had kept in touch with all my cool childhood friends? What if Obama was White?

In one such recent instance, I was browsing through Facebook after ages, stalking good looking people and old friends (not connected) when I saw marriage wishes, and travel schedules and photos, and private jokes. Liked by 30 people of whom 20 I know, yet I couldn't really say I knew them. I so wanted to, but it was just not possible. It was in the past.

Have you ever been one of those kids in school - when everyone's talking in a group and you're the one who enthusiastically nods your head in all directions but have no clue whats really happening? Or the kids who joins a gang of cool people to play a prank and ends being caught but having no clue in reality?

Funny how things end up. One person gets displaced as if its required and then you just sit there and wait. Much like our Advani ji. Poor fellow.

Twitter has been a buzz with all kinds of outrage. I mean what else does Twitter do anyway. I mean you either outrage or hit on people. And then in other news iOS7 came out, which was cool. Finally they do something that everyone has already done and pretend that no one knows about it.

One of India's most popular Mannequins

I also don't get this Arnab Goswami's perpetual problem with everything. He has to, and I mean absolutely has to pick on someone every day or he just can't sleep. I hope he doesn't do this in real life too. Could you imagine Arnab getting all riled up at a mannequin in women's undergarments? In Shoppers Stop?



"THE NATION NEEDS TO KNOW, WHY IS THIS MANNEQUIN WEARING UNDERGARMENTS? WHO IS BEHIND THIS SCHEME? WHAT IS THE GOVERNMENT HIDING? TONIGHT ON THE NEWSHOUR..." and then he'd call in his expert panel of 3 play schoolers,  a blind cat, a washing machine and a sock. And never let them speak.

Sigh. This post is just so random. I need to get off twitter. Am almost beginning to feel disturbed at these facebookiyas.

Laters
M

Is this the phone 6 ?

Recently Samsung launched its eye-blink-scroll technique Samsung S4. I would have rather blinked my eyes for better benefits, but no ones listening. While you would have already seen the Phone 5 these phones don't really have something that will blow your mind. I mean big camera, lost of pixels, some fancy eye scroll thingy, thin design, the usual. That's what every one does.

But let me know introduce to you the most awesomest technology masterpiece ever. I have a friend who has a friend who's aunt's cousins sister-in-laws third brother's grandfathers daughters veterinarian has a guy who (once cleaned his car) knows this truck driver that happened to park in front of the Appl Store and overheard something about Eye 6. So this is totally reliable proof of the existence of this device. (By Chinese standards)

Now that we have the reliability of this information out of the way let me give you a quick peep into the features of this beauty, code named Project BJ

Measuring a mere 7.6 mm thick (About 3 cupboards smaller than the first telephone) this device has a Retina Display that is about 2000 pixels per inch. Your photos will never look so much brighter, the micro scars from the black head you squeezed out a month ago ever so clear again. Also included is the Large Screen that measures 4 inches but it looks like 10 inches when held next to a mirror. There is an inbuilt app that enables you to mirror the image in the mirror, so your screen is actually infinitely large. So it depends on how big your mirror actually is. (You can also choose to buy the iMirror at the online store)

The Processor is a 1.7 Ghz dual core processor that is super fast. Playing Temple Run (Part 21) and Angry Birds - Part 7-but-still-throwing-birds-at-pigswill never be the same.  It comes with the latest 6G LTE built in, so you can experience internet like never before (Actually it never will be like before as we always ensure that we have technology thats better and faster than your country carrier can ever provide you, and when they do, we'd already be on 27G or something. Awesome, no?)

On the back of the iPhone we have an AMAZING 12 mega pixel Camera Holder for our awesome iCamera (sold separately). We believe that you need a truly amazing camera experience, and we have created a unique device that can beat even the best DSLR's in the market. (Head over to our store now!!!)

But the beauty of this device is in the iOS. Introducing Version 7. Siri now has options for Sheela, Munni, Lola Kutty, Chandler, Yoko, MJ and also Grumpy Cat. Twitter has been integrated in, so no matter what you are doing, the twitter app posts a tweet on your behalf. It's so smart, you don't even have to tell it what to tweet. It picks up your location, labels it as per the frequency of your visit, the microphone picks up the sound and then posts it as per the number of times you touched the phone. (Imagine never having to type a tweet from the Loo!!!)

Some unique features include

1. Close your eyes when you sleep. When you open them, the screen will already be on!!!
2. It detects when you are out of your regular network coverage and completely shuts down all cellular data, saving you millions in telephone bills
3. App Store - We've been counting on this since the first iPhone. Like 6 years ago. Still will for the next few. We are that consistent.
4. iCloud - Sync your apple devices to the cloud and have your ipad, ipad mini, ipad micro, itouch, ifeel, ipod, iwatch, ifridge, imac, ipack, isofa, i.... AND HAVE ALL THE SAME STUFF ON IT. EVERY TIME.  LIKE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Awesome, no?
5. Customizable screens - You can now move around your apps all over the screen!!! In different formations of 4*4, 4*4 and 4*4!!!

More than 76,003 features and updates included. It's available in 16GB, 32GB and 64GB. (Please note, iOS takes up about 15.8 GB)

All this awesomeness, at a price of just 2 kidneys and one spleen. Special offers running now where you can pay with one kidney, and installments of 5 fingers / Toes / Eyeballs / Liver every month.

Grab it now. It's the best thing that happened to IPhone since the Industrial Revolution.

Follow up post coming soon.

Cheers
M

The Oscars and Vada Pav

This is one of those posts that is being written because my counters says I haven't written anything in March. But unlike Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln, won't be nominated for an Oscar because it doesn't have EPIC characters like Osama bin laden or that legendary fellow on the Dollar. Both movies establishing the glory of the same nation has of course, as in all disclaimers, nothing to do with the Oscar nominations.

Also ever since Jennifer Lawrence has won the Oscar, I have shifted loyalties from Mila Kunis to Jenni Baby. So "Bure Nazar wale thera muh Kamal R Khan" Stay away or I shall unleash the Farmville and Mafia wars invites on you.

This year I caught the Oscars in the evening. I've reached that age where you don't really give a shit about anything that does not directly affect you. Like Elections.However, the real reason I watched the Oscars in the first place was to see which movie would bag the Oscar, and then accordingly change my opinions on the movies that were nominated. Hence this post is suitably delayed.

I recently got asked if Lincoln won the Oscar. I said yes. The person promptly went on to say that it was great movie and it was no surprise that it bagged both the Academy awards and the Oscars. If I wasn't for the Vada Pav in my hand..... Lucky weapons aren't sold in supermarkets in India. (Idea #3763 Hathyaar bazaar, bandook ke saath bullet free - Kishore Biyani, please note)

Speaking of Vada Pav. Am sure ANYONE, who has had a Vada Pav in Mumbai, will know that while the Vada can be replaceable with Samosa, Podi, etc, the PAV CANNOT BE REPLACED BY A BUN.

Repeat, A POTATO CUTLET IN A BUN/BREAD/ROLL IS NOT VADA PAV. And people who go ga ga about this Terrorist, Infiltrating, Infidel food item are the same ones who ask for Dum Biryani at Legacy of China. Buhledy Food Rapists.

The Pav is an exquisite piece of Indian bread that's meant specially for gastronomical delights like Burji, Chai and Vada Pav. Please don't desecrate the sanctity of this marvel of palette engineering by supporting fraud examples. Would you ever go to a "Inkaar" or a "I, me aur main" and expect facial expressions from John or Rampal? No right? ( I mean, how can you expect the impossible, overkill I guess) So please, I know you love your "Potato-cutlet-bun" but if its not a Pav, its just not.

In other news, India is planning a ban on all Italian food items and restaurants. Well at least Kerala is probably. I mean, I know they treat this country like it belongs to their daughter or something, but hey, who sends under-trials TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR HOLIDAYS? Mercy and goodwill ? They Shot 2 of your citizens you nutcases!!! That ways you should have sent Kasab home for Eid no? So, in line with this thought, all Pizzerias now become Pitja-da-dhaaba and all "Italiano Cuisine" become "Eat-all-no-Kissing". Okay?

Parting note, I vote for Vada Pav as the national snack. Right behind Onion Uthappa.

Cheers
M

Digital Colours - The Eye

Digital Colours - Autumn

Where Am I from?

I usually get into spells of immense thinking. It's like a phase, where  my left brain and right brain have conversations that ultimately give me a backache. Blame it on Acupuncture. (That Pin poking thingy)

It was in one of these sessions that I was absolutely convinced that in a previous birth I must've been a driver of some sorts. Taxi or Auto, but one of the two for sure. That must be the reason why I keep meeting so many drivers with so many interesting stories to tell, which make me go "Ahaaa" to which the driver promptly replies "Kai zala?" in Marathi.

Anyways, the topic of today's brain freeze conversation is "Where am I from?"

There are these standard questions that people ask you and you promptly have an answer pop into your head. Visually at least.

For e.g

Q - Hey Whats up
A - Nothing, you tell.

Q - What's your favorite colour?
A - Blue / I don't know

Q - Who's hotter? Anushka or Deepika?
A - Megan Fox / Angelina Jolie (By God's grace at least now she will retire from those buhledy worlds hottest lists)

Q - I have Scotch and Vodka, what will you have?
A - Do you have beer?

Q - Saw any movies recently?
A - *Image of that movie that friend of your friend gave you on that pen drive that everyone's been sharing* No.

Q - Kya Aapke toothpaste main namak hai?
A - Haan saale, Sambhar powder bhi hai, khayega kya? (Rhetorical, am not offering)

Q - Where are you from?
A - Err. Heard of Shimoga? How about Mangalore? Karnataka? Yes am a Madarasi, Thank you.


Truth be said, I have been around. Spent an equal amount if time in the Gulf, in Udupi/Manipal, at Bangalore and now what looks like its going to be quite some time in Mumbai. While I borrowed a lot from them, none of them has left a mark that's deep enough to be called home.

For example, I loved the places in Manipal that I used to spend so much time at with my friends. In Bangalore it was all about enjoying the lovely weather and the ease of travel (Yes come to Mumbai, it's like going to space in a cycle rickshaw) Bahrain was all about school time memories. And now Mumbai, well we're just getting started.

I don't think I've ever answered the question about "Where are you from?" in one line.

The most recent being my explanation to an Expat that India is divided into "Zones" depending on what people eat. Idlis? - Madrasi. Chaats? Mumbai. Momos? Definitely from East (Don't even have a place) and Tandoori chicken. Delhi. If you eat bullets and bombs, probably way up north in "Paradise on Earth"

Just FYI, I like all the above. Am like the public buffet that everyone eats free off and then cribs - Definitely Indian.

Anyways, Next time someone asks me where am from, I guess I'll just say that. Indian.

Cheers
M

The Truth behind the SRK Controversy

As you may have heard recently, King Khan has been asked to shift home base to across the border in case he felt unsafe in India. This invitation came from a leader of a organization of "questionable"* repute*

( Repute* refers to "media"/"Don't-kill-me-am-quoting-Wikipedia" lingo for an organization that has been  marked as a terrorist outfit by USA, UK, Russia, Australia, European Union, United Nations and the leader who has a 10 million dollar bounty on his head in one of those US Terrorist Bucket lists.

*Questionable refers to his patrons who STILL say there is no proof against him and that they cannot arrest him. These are the very same patrons who said we are fighting terror and are absolutely sure that Osama was not hiding there, till the US came and shot Osama bin Laden in their own back yard)

Sorry for the detour. Where was I? Ah yes SRK shifting and all.

Honestly if this offer had come after Ra One, I wouldn't of thought twice of packing this fellow off, just for putting us through that scene with Arjun Rampal. Yes, "that" scene. But the songs were Okay, and I had good laughs for a few months, so you are forgiven.

In midst all this controversy, in comes the now famous for his foot-in-mouth comments, the inferior interior minister who says he is concerned about SRK's safety. To put in mildly - Why don't you sniff up who's blowing up people in your own country instead of worrying about our citizens, eh? Are you seriously saying that of all the people who elected you as a politician (God alone knows why) in your country, you are bothered about a celeb in our country? Very Suspicious, wouldn't you say?

Also, the minister says he wants to remind us and I quote, "I would like to request all Indian brothers and sisters and all those who are talking negative way about Shah Rukh, they should know he is a movie star."

Umm...Yes you Idiot, he is a movie star. We've seen from his stuttering days to his current stretch-my-arms-and-romance days. However, may I remind you, he is an Indian first. Also, we are not your brothers and sisters, at least am not. How about you pay a little more attention to all the "negative" shit you guys are doing at the LOC, before you come barging in on Bollywood like you barge in across the border every now and then?

Come to think of it, I would have made a counter offer to some of your people to come here and stay safe, especially those famous leaders who are declared terrorists globally, but of whom you seem to have no proof. They could live in Tihar and have world class Biryani. That Kasab fellow must have written to you guys no? Oh wait, I forgot. You abandoned him to die the moment he left your borders.

Frankly, looking at all the above, I think this is all related to with one thing, and only one thing.

Keep your grubby hands off SRK. He will not dance in any of your weddings.

Cheers
M

PS - Try Saif, after Race 2, he'll probably need it.

Welcome to 2013

Hello there!!!

I see that you have survived the Mayan end of the world and moved back into the continuing, modern-man-made end of the world. I hope you had a great new year, full of alcohol, mad partying, and crazy fun like Rahul Baba had till he was actually "given" a "position" of responsibility in a party that his family has basically founded.

I hope you get the Rahul Baba inference. I can actually name him, its not that am scared or something, but...err...I don't want to DIE.

Or be arrested under some IT law and then having to put you all through ARNAB's - THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW....etc.

This year so far has been amazing. Seriously, can you imagine having to feel cold in Mumbai? In End January? Ever? Spicy Vada Pav's and Chai have never felt so rewarding.

Of course I wouldn't know since I wake up after the sun is pretty high up there, but I have heard from reliable sources. Like my watchman who is dressed in 4 layers of clothing and makes some saluting hand gesture when I cross. Or maybe he's trying to find his eyebrows under 2 mufflers, 1 monkey cap & 2 skull caps.

Meh. (That's twitter lingo for whateva, which is hip talk for whatever)

Also discovered was Hamley's Toy Store. I spent a total of 3 hours there and got into a fight with a 10 year old on a Lego block set that I had my sights on for like 17 years. After taking it while the kid was distracted, I had to walk all around the store to avoid attention for 2 hours. These kids today have no sense of respect for elders at all. I wonder how his parents can leave a kid in a toy store unsupervised like that. Yelling and Shouting and throwing all the things for a silly Lego block set. You'd think these kids would act more matured.

Anyways, I spent new years with my parents for a change. (A big change, it's been like 15 years) No Internet, no mobile connectivity, home made food, Dad's barbecue, some books and a cat that thinks that I'm a big pillow, for company. Quite a change from previous years. I also have deviated from tradition where I had a cribbing disappointing heartbroken narration of my achievements of the previous year.

And before you know it, you're at the end of month 1 in the new year. Salary time.

May the new year make more sense than the previous. Cheers!!!
M